Toooooooo Funny

Usually, I hate forwarded "joke" emails but this one is just too funny. Thank you Brian...I appreciate your sense of humor! If you decide to read this, be prepared to laugh!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted
this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.


But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll
do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a
one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .
..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. .
WHAT
THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

&n bsp; My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for
sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'